Opening to Grief we are Resisting

I was recently sitting with a client who had the following question: “What should I do when I feel the need grieve but the grief and sadness won’t rise to the surface.?”

This was a good question given I’ve been moving through waves of this myself.

So I gave the answers I needed hear. The answer that would lead me to an encounter with my boy.

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There are a myriad of reasons we don’t feel our emotions, even when we are open to them.

In grieving my son, I’ve been surprised by the parallels between bringing a child into the world and walking them out.

Inside an “ideal” childbirth, the mother’s mind will surrender to the intelligence of her body. She will TRUST that her body knows exactly what to do. And all she needs to do is align herself with her body’s gnosis.

The somatic signature of loss is so profound. We wrongly assume that it’s a heart based event. But alas, it’s not, it penetrates and effects the whole field. Just like pregnancy and labor.

I was able to fully surrender to my body’s wisdom when I realized the initial shock I was experiencing was actually in service to me. Part of my body’s own wisdom.

Slowly, over time, different layers of my being have gone through the process of recognizing and aligning with the new truth about my life. My son has died.

To absorb this truth all in one fell swoop would have been soul breaking.

In other words, sometimes, the reason we aren’t having a cathartic emotional response, is because it simply isn’t time. Our field isn’t prepared take it all in at the moment. We can trust that when it is time, the alchemy will happen if we are open, and not in resistance.

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“But how do we know if we are in resistance?”

It shows up in our life and in our body.

It may look like frustration, irritation, moodiness.

Procrastination.

Feeling as though we want to collapse and contract.

Exhaustion and/or distraction.

Patterns of Addiction.

In the body: like bracing, a sense of hyper vigilance, headaches, strange pains and/or stomach aches with no known cause.

Constipation.

Tight muscles, clenched jaw, anxiety, insomnia…

The list goes on…..

To be honest, most of us are experiencing this on some level, about something, right now.

My teacher recently had us look at our resistance patterns and it was mind blowing to see all of the places resistance shows up.

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This week, I could feel it rise again. This sense that I was just skimming the surface. Bracing myself against life.

A familiar sensation. So much exhaustion had set in.

In inquiry around what I was bracing against, I could immediately feel a deeper layer of grief desiring to land. I’m coming up on the anniversary of the events that led to Tanner’s death.

Mother’s Day kicked it off for me. It’s when I sensed crisis was looming. My intuition was alerted to what was near.

This whole week my body has been quaking. My subtle field; perturbed.

And yet, even in being open, the emotion wasn’t moving through.

I knew why, I was scared. It feels so edgy to allow each subsequent layer to land. It’s honestly nightmarish.

I needed to be held. My body was signaling that it doesn’t feel safe to experience this alone.

Which is normal. There are times we need co -regulation. This level of awareness actually falls within the realm of “self holding”.

Just because we desire co-regulation, doesn’t mean we lack the capacity to hold ourselves. It means, we know exactly how to care for ourselves.

For me, a person wasn’t on hand. So I went to the Mother that has been my life-long, enduring, source of living love. The Earth. We can co-regulate with Her if we don’t have a safe person available.

So I made my way to the forest, for a stumble/cry. Trusting I would be held.

Just after sunrise, Nature opened up her arms for me, and I fell into her impeccable embrace.

In my grief, I’ve had the revelation, that strong (pure) emotion opens portals. There’s no better place to open a portal than in the midst of a Sun drenched circle of trees.

That’s exactly what happened to me. As I stumbled, and cried, and walked, and opened, I felt a presence near, then saw the flickers of light, and knew we were together.

It was incredible, all of these patterns of light, and rainbows appearing. Everywhere I turned I was surrounded by Him. I stood and let the love inside that light penetrate me, as I released waves of pent up grief. I was held.