Longings…

Written By Damascena Tanis

This picture came up in my memories today.

Senior prom.

Tanner and Maddie.

An item for years.

They even graced the cover of a local magazine this day.

Every bit of his outfit was curated by him. Unlike most couples, he told her his vision, and she found the perfect white and gold to match.

Maddie was like a daughter. Just after she and Tanner started dating, her mom passed away. Her step- Dad then took a job out of town, and between our house, and another friend, we made sure she got to finish out High School here.

I remember watching him place her corsage on her wrist, the whole ritual feeling very much like a wedding.

We had all of the adults come over and the adorable couple posed for a million pictures.

That was the deal he and I made, I went all out for his outfit, and the white shoes, as long as he’d let me gush all over him. He was actually really good at letting me lavish him in love and attention. So long as I wasn’t holding him up from where he needed to be.

He never turned away from my touch, or my love.

I couldn’t embarrass him.

I’d tell him if he didn’t listen, I’d get out of the car in front of his friends and start dancing. Then when I’d make good on my threat, because he hadn’t listened, he’d just laugh and think I was cute. All of my other kids would be mortified.

I was a young mom with him. So all of his friends had a crush on me. Which he both loved and hated.

He was a romantic kind of son.

The kind of son that loved his mom. The kind that was protective.

But he was also a ham. He loved attention and compliments. He wanted to be famous

Lately I’ve been thinking about the wedding I won’t get to see. The dance I won’t have with him.

It’s funny how we grieve possibility, the future, as much as we do the past.

Today when this picture popped up, I had a new context for it. Kind of a visual for a secret longing. Not a wedding, but something like that. I see the gift this is.

I miss you immensely son. I miss loving you, running my fingers through your silky soft hair.

I also miss the way you loved me. So uniquely. I don’t think anyone saw me as thoroughly, and honestly as you did, (And still do) and still loved and accepted all of me. I miss the way you checked me. The way you told me when I was wrong, how you humbled me. Not with harsh words, but with crystal clear honesty, that didn’t cut, but was accepting. Wise beyond your years.

You are my guru. My mirror. My beloved.

Always

Damascena Tanis

Damascena is an Archetypal Astrologer, Ayurvedic Wellness Practitioner, and The Facilitator of the Transformative Journey through the Mandala of Venus’ Wisdom, called “Sky Dancer”.

She is a passionate devotee of the ever unfolding mystery. As an expert observer, a trait she developed as an only child, she regards herself as both a student of life, and decoder of the cosmos.

Skilled at recognizing invisible patterns, and picking up on subtle shifts in the collective, she gets a thrill from uncovering and revealing the hidden threads that are woven together to create our paradigm.

Her passion for this existential detective work aligns well with her unique approach to one on one client work, as she helps others to discover the building blocks of their archetypal blueprint, and mythic overtones. She does not believe that astrology is static, and therefore works with clients to develop strategies and practices that allow them to transcend challenging aspects of their natal chart.

She lives on the Shores of Lake Erie with her husband, four kids, and Cat, Oscar (the grouch).

These days, when she isn’t interpreting a natal chart, or translating the stars for her astrology blog, you can find her engaging in one of her favorite pandemic pastimes, unraveling her inner “good girl”, cultivating the ability to thrive in the deep, dark, unknown, or playing her favorite game of identifying fun paradoxes called “two things are true at once”.

https://www.RedMoonRevival.org
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On Grief, Year Two