My Son is Gone…
It’s finally time I put these words down…
In this next gateway, I will tap into the fullness of what it is to be a mother.
It is with unspeakable, nameless sorrow, that a cataclysmic sized black hole has opened up before me. This week I will lay my Son, Tanner, to rest.
Having held an entire cycle of his life as his mother inside my heart, my body, my bones, my blood. The chasm of love and grief that surrounds me is more than my body can hold alone.
It is shaking, and reorienting every part of my being. And yet I see the beauty in his forthcoming journey. The release from pain and suffering. And I want to honor the choice his soul made. I am speechless In my gratitude that this gentle, courageous, boy chose me to be his mother.
My human however finds herself in the upside down, liminal underworld. Facing the darkest night of my soul. A snarling Dakini. The anger, the intensity of feeling, the conversation I am having with the universe isn’t a gentle one.
It has only been through the outpouring of love and support from my family, my friends, and yes even my virtual relationships that I am even able to draw breath. That I am able to step through each day. I can’t imagine doing this alone.
It has me nose to nose with the mystery yet again, turning myself inside out to understand something that is unknowable, yet my soul suspects, we will become old bedfellows inside this black hole.
Collateral Beauty.
My Sweet Pisces Moon boy, Tanner David Lamb. 9/24/99 -06/05/22 My second son.
Please listen to this song in the link to remember him by. To help him on his journey to his new home. In Sanskrit, the chant Akaal, means “ literally timeless, immortal, non-temporal, and implies everlasting reality, eternal being, or Transcendent Spirit; it further implies Eternity, Being, or Essence.
In Sikh tradition, we chant Akaal to help the spirit journey home.
Now Tanner will have a new life. And we will know him in a new way. His body is gone. But he is still here. I feel him beside me. My treasure. My love. My now, eternal soul mate.
Please feel free to just reach out if you feel called to support our family. I’ve learned on this side death, that anything is the right thing to say. Everything kind IS supportive. It is this, that has gotten us through the last few days.
