Anniversaries

Today is one year since Tanner left this Earth.

Grief can feel like such a narcissistic thing after a while.

We talk almost exclusively about our loss, our feelings, our experience.

So I want to take a moment to talk about this precious boy.

Born September 24th, 1999 at 3:35 pm. He made a smooth, elegant entrance into the world.

His birth introduced me to doula care. I was lucky enough to have a student nurse attend me. Because of her status as a student, her remit was to sit with me the entire time, and walk me through the birthing process.

My first birth (Alex) was highly medicated with so many interventions. So having this alternate experience was wonderful, and eye opening. I was on my feet, partnering with Tanner, to bring him Earthside. I didn’t end up getting an epidural because the anesthesiologist was backed up with C-Sections.

So his birth introduced me to my own innate power as a woman, and the power of my body. That is a gift I’ll always attribute to Tanner.

He was an adorable baby. As a toddler he stole everyone’s heart. He was the kind of person that needed to warm up to you. So people spent their time trying to win his smile.

He excelled at everything he put his mind too. He loved sports, and he loved people.

He had an incredibly big heart. Perhaps too big for this world. One of the ways he dealt with his sensitivity was through writing.

When he was Eight, I began finding “notes” in his pockets, on the floor of his room, and tucked between the wall and the bed. He was intensely private so I didn’t tell him right away that I’d read them, for fear I’d put him off.

After finding more than a dozen, I finally asked if he’d share his poems with me?

It was then he announced that they aren’t poems, but rather lyrics to rap songs he was writing.

On one hand, I loved that he had an outlet, on the other hand, the fact that it was rap scared me a bit. It scared me because of his softness, his sensitivity. I thought that world might devour him.

In his short life, Tanner recorded 14 songs at the studio, and wrote 100’s.

I am so thankful I have so many recordings to listen too. Soo many opportunities to tune into his voice. The songs a time capsule.

This year has gone by so fast, and slow. The quality of time has shifted.

Thankfully, I still remember the feel of his cheek under the back of my hand the last time I touched him. I remember his silky smooth hair between my fingers.

I’ve learned that It’s possible to still have a relationship with him, as he’s nestled into his new home in my heart.

Tanner had a huge heart for his people. He was fiercely loyal to those he chose to love.

Please join me in remembering my boy on this day.

We love you Son.

-From all of those who you choose. Your parents, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, and cousins.

We miss you more than words.

My sweet, mystical, Pisces Moon Boy.

Tanner David Lamb

9/24/99 - 6/5/22