Anniversary Revelations

Art by Frida Khalo

Part One

The PRE-ANNIVERSARY

As Venus in Leo Squares Jupiter and the a lunar nodes in Taurus, And shifts the overtone energy of her cycle from Earthy Capricorn, the principle of the Static Feminine, into Firey Leo, the more dynamic principle of the Feminine, this feels like a prime time to release this transmission.

Plus, I like to create transmissions when I see patterns in my practice.

Over the last 2 weeks I’ve had both students and clients inquire about aspects of Venus, and what we cover in the Sacral Chakra Gateway of Venus’ Journey.

The Madonna/W.hore Split.

It’s the obvious focus of the womb chakra ruled by Jupiter.

Jupiter is the Planet of Free-Will, the multidimensional nature of experience, experience for the sake of experience, exploration, abundance, growth, wholeness, expansion, integration into the Larger Universe, Cosmic Connection, Spirituality, Blessed Portals, and The Spiritual Cosmology of Perfection inside of Imperfection (not the narrow path) and most importantly, the search for higher truths.

Jupiter himself was a consort to many. A robust lover if you will. In his Feminine form, we can equate Jupiter, to Lakshmi. Another emanation of wholeness, and a Goddess of Love, Pleasure for pleasure’s sake. And the codes of true luxury and abundance. These codes cannot be embodied fully in a fractured form.

Healing the Madonna /W.hore split has been a profound journey for me.

I started out my life as a $exual woman. The w.hore. And of course, wound up pregnant. I was more than happy to take on the projections of the w.hore, thinking that my young body could hold them.

After becoming a Mother, I realized there were spaces I could not enter, opportunities my child would not have, if I did not Don the Crown of the Madonna, and try and copy the template of the “Good Woman, Good Mother”.

Oh the damage I have done to my psyche/soul in compartmentalizing myself, and over committing to the archetypal expressions in their respective compartments.

I literally made a commitment , or contract with myself to abandon the W.hore completely. And abandon myself to embody the other. (Madonna)

How we got here, and why I’m speaking to this again…

One of my students sent me a great article about Aphrodite and Venus. Their differences and similarities.

In the article we can see their evolution.

The earlier Greek Version of Aphrodite is the Goddess of Love, S$x, Liasons, Beauty, Sensuality, Eros, etc.

Then when she made it to Rome, they rewrote her as slightly more domesticated version of Aphrodite, who now also rules the home, marriage, gardens, etc.

Both the Greek and Roman versions of Venus are post patriarchal.

They stood as the Men’s idealized version of Woman, having their mythology rewritten by the Patriarchy. We see this across patriarchal cultures, each rewriting their feminine archetype according to the moral ethos of the time.

We also see that while the Men revered and worshipped this rewritten, idealized, version of the Feminine…. In secret, just as the Pagan’s did With Mother Mary and the Rosary, when their Mother Goddesses were destroyed by Christian Evangelists, Venus and Aphrodite became the Patron Saint, or Protectress Deity that woman prayed too for protection over their badly subjugated and misused bodies. They weren’t necessarily praying to embody her attributes, but rather to be saved from harm and misuse.

As I said in my transmission with my students, it’s important to remember, that when we are talking about Venus, we are talking about a Lineage. The Rose Line, That stems back eons upon eons. To the Chauvet Caves in France. To The Venus of Willendorf. To our pre-patriarchal, Matrilineal time.

If we begin our connection to the Feminine with the Greek Aphrodite, or the Roman Venus, this is an incomplete picture of who “She of 10,000 Names” actually is.

“She” originated at a time when se.x and spirituality were one and the same thing. Before the great split.

It was in Inanna’s temples we are introduced to the first Scared Prost.itutes. She who understands the intrinsic spiritual power of sacred sex.ual rites. The power they had to heal and balance the realm, the planet, and even the healing power available for the woman who practiced them.

This is why Isis, and even Mary Magdelene, are associated with these same sacred sex.ual rites. They are carrying on the lineage of the Temple Priestesses.

In Matrilineal times, there was no w.hore, no virgin. No Harlot, No Madonna.

There was simply woman. And mother encompassed all of these things. A portal for life to come through, and a portal to travel to other dimensions.

As a woman, a Mother, and now a bereaved Mother, there is so much work being done on a multidimensional level to reclaim these pieces of myself. Because my power, our power, lies in our wholeness. In picking up each fractal that resulted from the split, and reclaiming it.

Following the patterns and behaviors that manifested from my shame, and violation, to their conclusion point, and forgiving each place I betrayed myself, or opened myself up to harm because I had abandoned myself by believing this split to be real, and reintegrating that piece.

In the reclamation of this split, we are reclaiming our birthright. We are restitching or braiding the frayed lines of our lineage back together.

This is some of the most profound work we can be doing.

This split undoubtedly effects how we show up. If we are mothers, it effects our mothering.

I’ve spoken before about the warped shapes I have twisted myself into trying so hard to be the archetype of “good”. The Madonna.

Essentially, the Madonna, (Mother) is an archetype of stasis, and “holding”. Her energetic is static in an effort to contain her family. But she herself can get stuck here. Meaning cannot really move, change, or evolve. Her orientation is external. Her work is on behalf of others. And in our current paradigm, is often held in place by shame.

This is juxtaposed against the active/dynamic component of the W.hore. Whose edict is to move energy through the current of her trickster like nature. The W.hore is shapeshifter, and an energetic alchemist.

The challenge here is to balance “holding”, as the scared duty of the Mother, with the dynamic, erotic aspect of Goddess as also a sacred duty of the Feminine.

These two, seemingly competitive natures, comprise the wholeness of the Feminine.

Attempting to grasp onto the stasis of the Mother, led me to a deep dark night of the soul in that began in 2012. I stayed in resistance to the call of the “W.hore” (the archetype that embodies the current of Erotic life force that precipitates transformations of all kinds). It was the resistance of to The W.hore, that almost killed me.

It’s been clear to me since my healing journey began, since my eyes were open to the damage I did to myself through resisting my true nature, (my true nature isn’t a crystalized archetype) -that my children were watching.

They were watching the devolution of their mother who was in extreme stasis and resistance. And it was devouring me.

They saw the ways is was hurting me. And my overcommitment to the archetype.

At this point, my values have completely changed.

I used to think if I was a “good woman/Good Mother” that I was being a “good example” to my children.

But what I was really doing was teaching my children to conform to a cultural archetype, even if it meant abandoning themselves in the process. The price for this has been so high. I spoke at length about this split on Po’s podcast if this spot resonates for you.

I have so much more to say about what I have learned inside this split, how I dropped through the bottom of it on Tanner’s anniversary, about how multidimensional mothering is helping me heal even further, and how my own ancestral lineage (that I have been mostly estranged from) has shown up to hold and teach me inside this crucible.

So stay tuned for part two of this transmission.

More Art by Frieda Kahlo

PART TWO

The Anniversary

I’ve been wanting to get these words down on paper all week. However, going through part one of this transmission will really add to the profundity of all that has happened.

Understanding that when we carry the Madonna energetic, we are carrying an energy of “holding”. She is the energy of the Static Feminine, who gestates. The energy that holds and sustains our families.

In fact when women do an inventory here, it’s INCREDIBLE to see how much we are holding, and how many static layers of crystalized holding exist in our field like trap doors. Infinitely, unconsciously in place.

So here’s the story. On Mother’s Day…a day when mothers across the world famously say “I don’t want to “hold” anything today”.... I had a big release. These pieces of grief are so necessary. They are intimate, and ecstatic. As much as they hurt, I love when they roll through, because I feel my boy so strongly inside of them.

I thought the pain of Mother’s Day foretold what I might be feeling on his anniversary. So I planned for lot of spaciousness around that day. We made very light plans. I took the kids and my Mother to hike at a spot we used to take Tanner. Then in the evening we met Tanner’s Dad’s side of the family to release lanterns at the Lake. Nothing felt like it was going to require me to be social, or take my focus off of Tanner.

However, I was surprised to find on the morning of his anniversary, none of the grief was coming the way I expected it too. I had been much sadder the day before. I certainly cried, but not like Mothers Day.

This precipitated a huge revelation...

As part of my anniversary preparation, I had made an appointment with a somatic healer for the following day. When we met on the 6th, I explained to her: “I didn’t have the release I expected, and I suspect that’s because I was holding my family. No matter how hard I tried to drop below this one spot, I couldn’t. I could feel this crystalized layer of energy that no matter what, wouldn’t let me pass through. I have always recognized this spot as my bottom. But today, for the first time, I suspect it isn’t.”

You see, I think we have all lightly mapped our own field. I’ve definitely mapped mine over the course of this year because I’ve been soo incredibly open. It’s not that we aren’t infinite beings. We have a finite field that meets the infinite.

What I’m trying to express is that I thought I had mapped my own field until this very moment inside this session. Until I was working with her and I dropped through the other side.

What I realized is I mapped all of the places that I hold myself in place with these crystallized layers of stasis.

It makes sense, I’ve been a mother since I was 15. So holding at least one other person for the past 27 years. And as an adoptee I’ve been holding myself my whole life.

The other thing that needs to be understood is the significance of Tanner’s death date. June 5-6th is a huge anniversary date for our family. Lot’s of weddings, and deaths take place on this date. And on his birthday September 23rd-24th. So this time of year is always a day we drop in with the dead as family.

I have never really been able to “feel” and “connect” with these ancestors. Because I am adopted, I've never felt like they were “mine”. It’s only been inside of Tanner’s death that I’ve even considered having “ancestral relationships” and actually tried to tap that field. Though the people we’ve lost at the June 5-6th juggernaut have been my favorite people in our family connecting with them as ancestors has been but a fleeting idea.

So I had this light awareness of the ancestral nature of the date beyond Tanner, going into the anniversary, and I could sort of feel these ancestors around as I went through my day. Which is new for me.

On the day of Tanner’s anniversary, I received the largest gift I’ve ever received from a non-family member. Something I know Tanner would have been excited for me to receive. As it’s tied into the messages I’ve been getting from him. It was an incredible feeling.

Then, the following day, June 6th, I finally dropped through the bottom layer of this 43 year old crystalized layer of energetic holding, through to the other side, and immediately into this ancestral field of being held by them.

I understood that the gift I received was in part a partnering with the ancestors to help take care of me. Words are failing me here, other than to say, what I got was that these crystalized places that we unconsciously “hold” are in place because we lack the trust and awareness that we are held by something much bigger than us.

We don’t know where they are until we meet these places within our soma. I intellectually have a high degree of trust. But that hasn’t automatically translated to my body having that same level of trust. Instead, my body seems to be in a semi-state of unconscious vigilance. Which is probably necessary as a mother. I’m not demonizing this place. I’m just excited that I’ve mapped it, and have awareness of it now.

It was incredible to learn that my body is literally held and supported by the ancestors. I now have embodied gnosis around this.

I awoke the next day still feeling this opening. Still feeling the ancestral field holding me. And it gave me a confidence, and sense of connection I have never, ever, felt in my whole life.

Everywhere around me I felt abundance, and deep, deep care.

To know this level of somatic release is possible. Release to a field well beyond the physical. One I don't need to "control" myself. And this level of connection to the ancient. To a lineage. What a gift from my boy. He orchestrated these events in which people who are sensitive enough to partner with him, did so. I'm just basking in how magical this turning was. Despite the pain, again he showed up in BIG WAYS.