Attunement

Tanner was born to a very young mom. What made it all the more dramatic was that I was already a mother. Which left me feeling like I had SOOO much to prove. 

At nineteen I was entirely externally oriented. I had no real idea how to be a parent, let alone an adult. So I copied. I am not judging myself here, it's a fairly common learning mechanism. We copy until we can embody. 

So I copied the parenting style and methods that were used on me. The methods that traumatized me, left me insecurely attached, and rebellious. It’s no wonder, Tanners world mirrored so much of the pain I experienced in my early years.

He was extraordinarily loved. And the style of parenting I used, I did well. To the outside world, I would have seemed like quite a good Mother, especially for how young I was. The parenting style my parents used was results oriented. And it was clear that they firmly believed my failure to behave properly was a reflection on them. So they internalized my behavior as their own failures, and railed against me the way one does when they believe they’ve failed. 

Recently, I have several times found myself being asked for my advice on parenting and motherhood. Which I find interesting considering I now (fleetingly) have the same feelings my parents did. My child died. Somewhere I failed. Why would anyone ask me? I know this is one part story, and one part truth. And its hard to live in the balance of it. 

But it does beg the question, is there something to learn from this spot. From having been visited by the perfect storm and lived to tell the tale.  Is this a worthy place to mine for gold. 

Each year, as a New Years ritual, I will choose a word to work with. This year I chose to completely revolutionize my life by choosing the word attunement. It has upended all of my relationships.

To live inside this Venusian current of meeting life as it arises. Of attuning myself to each moment. To being attuned to reality. To this practice of finding attunement with each and every relationship. 

It has highlighted for me the unique humanity inside of each and every person I bring this much presence to. 

It has shown me that we are all quite literally snowflakes, or fingerprints. (I now wear Tanner’s fingerprint around my neck)

How did I discover this? Because I cannot bring the same frequency to each and every person. I don’t find this inauthentic, I find it the skill of the shapeshifter. 

Each one of my children has their own harmonic. And if I come on a discordant note, dissonance is the result. The field fragments, and misunderstanding ensues, or things don’t quite land right. 

When I center attunement in my relational spaces, absolute beauty emerges. 

I think this may be why, in one of my lineage’s, the shapeshifter is an aspect of the wise woman. 

I feel as though I’ve unlocked a box, filled with “elder” magic. 

So, my advice all year has been, throw out the parenting books, your “instinct” and “attunement” should be your guidance system. 

In the last three years of Tanner’s life, his  issues got so complex and intense, I was convinced they were bigger than me. I was convinced someone else knew better than me what to do. A profession. I sought advice high and low. Tried to follow it to the letter, and it only seemed to make things worse. 

I turned to the external again. 

Then, something shifted, and through this same unconscious elder magic, the last six months I had him, I turned instinctually towards what I now understand as “attunement’. And we had the most loving, connected six months together. It wasn’t enough to save him, but it was a gift nonetheless. 

I can’t promise that a child won’t die. But I can promise with attunement there won’t be as many regrets if they do. 

That’s the thing about parenting. I think we are so focused on outcomes. The biggest of them all their life, their safety. That we miss what arises in the moment. And attunement forces you into the present. 

Tonight I found myself in front of his altar. Tears flowing, longing to have with him, the new bonds that are growing with my other kids, as I travel further into this year, with this mystical word. 

I longed to experience more of the connection with him that we had in his final months.