Made in the Image of the Universe
It is said we are made in the image of God.
Though I think more accurately we are made in the image of the cosmos. The universe.
On meditating on cycles and timelines, I’m reminded that Tanner had his own organic cyclical spin. One that I rode along with for so many years.
(That’s the nature of bi-polar, so I’m told.)
On the down side, he’d appear as though he was doing well. Able to hold and enjoy a job. He’d come out of his shell, responded to bids for connection, and even initiated them. He felt “in his body” to me. Connected to a living source of wisdom. Conversations were lucid, even deep and enlightening with him in this phase. It where so many of our good memories were made.
Then I’d get a “whiff of shift”. Something in the air changed. And I’d notice the retreat begin. He’d retreat into himself. This was my signal that the cycle of intensity was ramping up. His decisions would become erratic, and impulsive. Conversations irrational, and I wouldn’t be able to find him inside of himself no matter how hard I tried.
At the crest of this cycle the intensity always landed us at the furthest possible extreme.
Hospitals, injury, very dramatic events. It was a place we couldn’t go any further. And sometimes, even then, it wasn’t enough to bring him back until the organic nature of this spin downshifted again.
One of the things he initiated me into was understanding my own relationship with “fixing”. My utter powerlessness of not being able too bring this issue inline with my preferences. And what it means to meet people in their darkness.
I finally got good at that near the end. Nothing to do but show up here, and connect. Just keep the connection open. That’s all that mattered. Just be in the chaos of it all, without trying to force an outcome. Because any force would be met with a 10 ton counterweight pushing back on me. He resented and resisted anything that was not his own self led path.
There’s a myth inside of parenthood, and even in relationships, that if we just show up in a specific way, it will spur on the result we desire from the other person. That somehow, the way we show up will alter how they do.
And while that’s true in some instances, there’s a deeper truth behind it. If their behavior shifts after ours has, it’s because they desire it. The behavior change on their behalf is stemming from their own free will.
Tanner was so incredibly unique in his quest for what looked like freedom. Likely a function of his South Node conjunct Uranus in Aquarius. The need to exercise free will at almost any cost.
Of course as parents we are responsible for our kids, and what we do absolutely has an effect on them. I made my share of errors as his mother. And also, on the flip side our kids have their own soul stories that must be played out on a karmic level.
Tanner taught me to be in “my side” of the contract. That my responsibility was in how I mothered him. How I showed up in my sacred duty. Could I be present? Could I meet him in his intensity and darkness? Could I surrender to the bigger story playing out, which was one of utter powerlessness on my end? Connecting, being attuned to him, while simultaneously releasing the need to control his contract?
I wasn’t always good at it. It took me a long time to understand what was happening and what the spin was asking of me.
I think a lot of times we think that things could have been different if we had just been different. I will live with that mystery in the center of my life forever. Could I have changed the outcome? But my intuitive answer is likely not. I still believe we would have ended here.
As That old saying goes, if love could have saved them, they’d still be alive.
In the end, what I’ve learned is how to deeply honor people’s stories.
Honor them even when they look radically different than mine. Even when they swing wildly outside of my preferences.
We each came here to play out some kind of evolutionary story.
For me, I got an incredible galactic sized love with my boy. A love that taught me about the limits to my own capacity to change people. He taught me to honor and meet people where they are, rather than control, grip, force, and change them.
When we began not only did I think it possible to change people, but I thought it my responsibility.
I felt entitled to all manor of violation to make someone walk the path I wanted them too.
This is a huge lesson, and when we get it, we become better in relationships, easier to connect with, and it helps us evolve exponentially.
“The Human in me, honors the human in you.”
And all that saying encompasses in order for it to be deeply true.
This saying is the deep mystery school lesson of the Aries/Libra Axis.
I’ll talk more about it in the upcoming days.
This visual/symbolic art here, deeply embodies what I’m pointing to in this post.
