The Principal & The Witness- Crossing Thresholds

THE PRINCIPAL AND THE WITNESS - CROSSING THRESHOLDS

For years I worked as a birth and postpartum doula. There is nothing quite like holding the honorary spot of “witness” as a woman travels through the portal to motherhood.

All throughout pregnancy we are awakened to an otherworldly sense that our bodies have an innate intelligence, that has nothing to do with our ability to will something into existence.

Until this point, aside from our monthly cycle, (an early peek into what is possible), we are mostly oriented to our bodies from the perspective that we can manipulate them through our own effort. We can gain or lose weight, dye our hair, alter our appearance through cosmetics, or surgery, etc.

But it isn’t until we descend through the pregnancy and birth challenge ( literally or metaphorically) that we learn that there is another level entirely to the game we are here playing.

As Tanner’s Mother, I acted as the portal through which he came into the world. My body morphed and changed to make way for him to develop and ultimately incarnate, all without me “doing” anything. My only job was to open, and “allow” the alchemy to happen.

Likewise, on his journey through the death portal, a familiar phenomenon began to take shape.

Moments after he died, I noticed that my body began to tune into a similar intelligence. It was as if there were a series of clicks that snapped into place. I have no other way to describe it. An instant reorganization of cells, membranes, blood, bones, and DNA.

At first I thought this “must be trauma”.

And then I recognized the deeper thing that was happening.

It was my job to carry him over the rainbow bridge. To escort him into the next life. And my body needed to be in a certain frequency to do that. And the frequency was HIGH, SOARING actually.

This was not my job from a mental level. I couldn’t have ever navigated the psychopomp experience with reason or logic.

Again, the only thing I needed to do was open, and allow the process to unfold. I was guided by the wisdom of my body, my own feral mother-senses, the whole time. My body was in impeccable alignment with everything I was being called to do.

Someday, I may put pen to paper about the details of the journey my physicality took with my son. How parts of my soul were shorn off the moment I dropped into the knowing that he left this plane. (Not because of trauma, although if I hadn’t been tuned into what was happening, my soul leaving could have easily been a trauma, I can see how tricky this spot could be)

How there were parts of me accompanying him. And all I could do was TRUST that this was the innate intelligence of my mother-body. The body I share with him, and him alone.

Which brings me back to the first sentence I wrote…

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For years I worked as a doula. And for years people would say things like “it must be so awesome to “support & guide” women during birth”. But that was not the job.

The job of doula, no matter what threshold you are crossing with another, is to be a WITNESS.

Initiation, the walk between worlds, the crossing from one side of a portal to the next, be that death, birth, or the many symbolic death/rebirth cycles we encounter in between, always requires a witness to be complete. We see the importance of this especially in tribal cultures

In places along the journey, the very act of witnessing acts as a guide to the principal crosser. It’s an alchemical relationship, no doubt.

The witness is a mirror.

Through the simple act of seeing, an effective witness will reflect our inherent, elemental, instinctive, intuitive, POWER and innate intelligence back to us. As well as our humanity. It’s dual, like all things.

And so as I speak, write, and post, about being inside this death portal, and all that is arising for me here. Each person who comments, or engages, calls, prays, or holds space in some other way, ultimately reflecting their “sight” back to me, is acting as a witness for me. Allowing my innate intelligence to guide me through the dark.

All who “see” and witness me have taken on the honorary roll of grief/death doula. Helping me forge across the alchemical crucible I am inside of. I will not emerge the same person who entered.

It is from this place, inside the crucible I wanted to turn back and reflect to YOU the importance of what you are doing for ME. That I’m unsure if any of the above awareness would have dropped in for me without this alchemy between me, the principal crosser, and you, the witness.

It’s been a while since I’ve acknowledged the role of others in this process.

I think I’ve sensed from the very beginning how incredibly important the role you’ve been playing in this is for me.

Providing the container, the mirror, necessary tools for the passage.

And just how deep and meaningful it is each time we do this for someone else. What an extraordinary expression of love it is to hold this kind of space for another.

It’s breathtaking in its scope.

We aren’t meant to do life alone. Alchemy doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

So, from the bottom of my heart, please accept my gratitude. Your presence has allowed me to drop my shoulders, and breathe a bit in this spot. It’s done so many things that live beyond language’s ability to capture with words. But trust that it is and has been huge for me.

Thank you, thank you.

*Disclaimer: I do not mean to communicate that losing my son is not a trauma. Or that one can come through this experience without trauma if they have deeper sight or awareness around what is happening. It’s too early to take an accounting of all of the fallout from this experience for me.

Loss is exceptionally hard. And it is REAL. We can’t airy fairy it away with platitudes. This writing is merely an observation of the body wisdom that comes online during threshold experiences. And the alchemical relationship between crosser and witness.