In a Crucible

This week has been relentless.

Its been one thing after another.

It’s interesting when we know we are in a crucible.

That this is not just a series of coincidences. That every thing that could be happening is not all erupting at once coincidentally.

And I know when it’s not the astrology.

It’s been a muscle of discernment to KNOW when something is an atmospheric impulse moving through the collective. Vs what is actually mine.

And it’s time for me to turn and keep my eyes inward.

Even if there is some astrological influence, whatever the lesson is, whatever the message, teaching, or initiation, this one is mine.

This is an important distinction us practitioners need to be able to make. I remember in school, (Ayurvedic) being told that as students we would relentlessly diagnose ourselves. But as professionals, we must know the limits of our craft.

No, what’s up for me is around breaking a long buried pattern of fear and scarcity. Not planetary transits acting up. In other words, it’s internal.

A friend and I were recently talking about the cosmic joke of thinking we’ve mastered something, and then it sneakily comes around again for another pass. Shaking and reverberating our whole field.

I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t like the term “self mastery” anymore. Because there’s always something deeper. Somewhere further we can travel.

I’m much more keen on the idea of meeting what is arising in my field, and cultivating relationship to it, than I am on “mastering” anything.

I get that idea of self mastery is paradoxical, and nuanced. So if you have a particular way that you are working with self mastery, this isn’t a slight on that.

I’ve just moved through the most humbling period of my life. Where on one hand “I know everything I need to know”, and I’m confident of that. And on the other hand, I know nothing, and I’m not supposed too.

Tanner’s death was the crucible around paradox for me. I got paradox on an intellectual level before. But now, I just live here.

So while, on one hand, I feel like I’m drowning under the weight of all of the things that are showing up to fixed and addressed. One the other hand, I know for a fact I’ll be just fine, that it’s already fine. None of it is major stuff. There is just so much of it. I don’t know how it will all get done, but that’s ok. I don’t need to know. I just know it will.

Today I called in support. It was beautiful to see how available it was. How eager people were to give it. That they were just waiting for me to ask.

I was moved again by the goodness of humanity. Reminded of the way community can be when it functions the way it should. The way people want to be of service to us when we simply reach out our hand and ask.