Responsibility and Trust

I’ve been moving through an interesting series of events. Which has had my nervous system on edge, and revealed that there is a place I don’t quite trust myself. Not off rip anyways.

I’m newly single. For so long, I’ve had someone to fall back on, a place to collapse when I got in trouble or I needed help.

Even though, throughout our marriage, I took care of almost all of our home and car repairs. Figured out what service providers we would use, etc. The backing, or, back up, has been there. And I have availed myself of it. As happens inside of partnership.

In the last few weeks, I’ve had a series of issues.

Each time a new one cropped up, my systems initial response was to snap, crackle, and pop.

-Our internet went out. Previously, we had an extraordinary deal that I knew was going to end some day.

So I had to get new internet, and agree pay twice as much for it.

-I’ve had car problems. And even after I went to pick up my car, I had further problems and had to ask the mechanics to re-address their work.

-I’ve had an issue with our roof.

-And a pretty significant clean up project that I likely wouldn’t have been involved in if I wasn’t single. My husband was always good like that.

I’ve had to pay for, and take the lead on all of these projects.

Having all of these things plunge me into scarcity had me asking myself “what is happening here?”

In the answer, I can feel the threads of an underlying distrust.

In reality it’s all ridiculous.

I’m not going to run out of resources to handle these things.

I personally resource myself.

And….

Should I need it, I’ve always had incredible backing in my life. It ALWAYS shows up somehow.

So, it’s not always all up to me. Even though my body hasn’t gotten the message.

I knew part of separation would mean I’m taking on more responsibility.

Each time something has happened these last two weeks I realize I’m being asked to stay present. To stay conscious and remember, that I can take care of myself. That I can trust life, even when it throws me curve balls. I can trust and back myself. And even in places that I cannot do it alone, I have both 3-D and spiritual provision.

I’m remembering before marriage, all of the places these patterns used to take me out. All of the places, I would grip, thrash for control, for something to latch onto, screaming on the inside. It’s got to go back to birth. Back to being on my own from minute one. Which is making me so thankful that I chose to work with deep trust in 2022. I haven’t arrived, but I’m so glad I’ve got some awareness here.

It’s an interesting developmental initiation to be taking on at 43. This balance between full, full, responsibility, and how/when/who to rally for support when it’s appropriate. Though I suppose it’s better late than never.

There is a lot unfolding here. With Saturn gaining on my South Node, I’m keen to master this new level of self responsibility he is calling me into. With my South Node in Pisces, this is a juxtaposed against my level of trust.

Funny how the two things go hand in hand. One would think that responsibility denotes a certain amount of control and action. (It does) But I’m finding that the foundation is that I first KNOW that I can truly trust myself. That I’ve got me. Without seeing the whole picture.

Malene Laugesen - Mother’s Mountain