A Story of Tanner’s Death & Life
* Tanner and Jacob in Palestine. 2009
A story about Tanner’s Death & Life.
Loosing a child is, crying every day for six months.
Having your face dry out from the salt of your tears.
Yet feeling like the sorrow has only just begun.
I’m often grateful for my weeping. As it stands as a testament to the love we shared.
Though Sometimes it just feel heavy. I’m weary of finding firsts.
Every year on Christmas, we got the boys socks and underwear as stocking stuffers. Along with soaps and colognes. A full package of self-care items.
Yesterday, I ran out to do the shopping for Alex, my older son.
I could feel the grief rise just below the surface as I entered the store.
Putting the items on the register, the sales clerk asked me “how are you doing?”
That question when I’m holding back tears, generally means a crack in the defenses.
This time, all of the feeling bubbled over. And there in the store, at the register, I found myself almost on my knees.
To be shopping for one, and not the other…
It just happens. In places I might not expect. This reminder of how big the hole is.
Then I spend the rest of the day kind of stunned. It’s not shock.
The best word I have is “stunned”. Stunned at facing this reality.
Later my husband recommended that I continue to shop for Tanner and donate his things to others in need.
So that’s what we will do. That feels right. Tanner would love that.
He began donating his things as a youngster.
As my sweetest child, he tender heartedly noticed when others were in need, and he could fill it.
It began in fourth grade. He wanted to make a donation to a boy who wasn’t exactly his friend, but was being picked on because his pants were too short.
I told Tanner he could create a bag from our give away pile.
Yet he wanted to give him his new stuff.
He was so adamant about collecting from his current wardrobe, I just said “ok”.
After creating his bag, he realized that he couldn’t just hand it over. He intuited the boy might feel embarrassed.
So I told Tanner we could donate anonymously. Give it to the office. And let the office do the handover.
The office helped frame the donation in a way that alleviated any embarrassment. And gave the boy the option not to accept the clothes. Which Tanner also wanted. He didn’t want him to feel obligated to take them.
Tanner said the next day the boy began wearing the donated clothes. And he didn’t get picked on again.
Thus began Tanner’s charitable endeavors. He always gave his things away.
That saying “they would give you the shirt off their back”… that was 100% true for my boy.
I remember how much witnessing this whole process blew my heart open. To see his emotional attunement and empathy made me so proud at the time.
Though later, I came to understand that the suffering of the world broke his heart. That he was really sensitive.
I made a vow in his Eulogy, that I would keep his memory alive. So that’s what I am doing. I’m always proud of him. And the purity of his heart and soul.
