In Dreams
It was the most normal thing in world.
Standing in the basement, folding the laundry, and he runs downstairs.
I know it’s him by the cadence of his steps.
I turn around, and find him standing there.
Inside the space of a second, three thoughts cross the dashboard of my awareness.
First; “oh hey baby” (as if nothing had happened)
Next; “wait, you aren’t dead, this is incredible”
Finally, “no, you died, this is a dream”.
And that final thought popped me out of my sleep.
I awoke in a strange place, in a strange bed, in the middle of the Arizona Dessert.
At first I couldn’t understand my desire to be here.
It made no sense.
“I’m grieving. Its only been four months. It’s too soon. My other kids need me. I have no business leaving”
But a day or two before leaving, I remembered how often he talked about coming to Arizona. To get away from some of the problems he was having. It was his “fresh start place”. A bucket list place.
So before I left, I packed a few items I’d collected and placed on his altar, to bring him with me.
The night before I had the dream I put one of his feathers above my bed.
This is the first dream visitation I’ve had.
When I popped out of the dream, I sat straight up, yelling out to him “you didn’t stay, I didn’t get to talk to you, I wanted to be with you”.
But there is such perfection in everything he does with me.
A few days after he died, I begged him to tell me he was ok.
He whispered “mom, mom” in my ear the next morning. It woke me up.
It also took me to the deepest place I’ve been inside my grief. Totally spun me out.
While I was grateful for the message. It was agony to hear him and not have him. Utter fucking agony.
And so, he hasn’t shown up in such tangible ways. It’s been more subtle.
When I asked him why he hasn’t visited me like that again, he showed me how blown out I got by his first, very real, contact.
Same thing with this dream. It would have taken me too far out of range to talk to him, and then wake up with him gone. Not here. Alone in this strange place.
But I also think I needed this level of strangeness to have the dream.
I needed to be this wide open.
Dreaming of him has been a huge gauntlet of fear to have crossed through.
To have him, to potentially interact with him, and then to wake up and let him go.
I’ve had this idea that it would feel like loosing him all over again.
The night after I had this dream I showed up to the event I had traveled here for, so cracked open.
Quiet tears, squishy heart.
Ready to hold myself, and giving myself permission to leave if I needed too.
At our first break, as I sat in the sun, tears freely falling, a women walked over and introduced herself to me.
She explained that she had also lost her son, at almost the same age, in the same way.
The boys stories were so similar.
Something about meeting her gave me permission to bring my son directly into the room. To have him by my side throughout the event. I exhaled, feeling less alone, and more seen.
I knew, in part, my son had orchestrated this meeting. As well as the field I was being held in.
It was as though the field made it super easy for him to show up.
At another moment during the event, I had a huge bout of grief move through.
Perri hugged me for a bit, helped me ground into my body. After about a minute I felt his presence behind me.
It was almost as if he said to Perri, it’s ok, I’ve got my mom.
And I felt that with my whole being. Him speaking to her. To reassure her, he’d partner with me. It was mind blowing.
He really was like that in real life. A lover, and hugely protective of mom.
The more I partner with him in my grief, the more I have absolute trust in how he’s showing up for me.
This trip has been amazing, most especially in this place.
The “path of deep trust” place. And how when we show up, in total trust of the thing, it almost always creates a field in which magic can happen.
I’m leaving here with my heart completely full. Feeling so close to my Son.
And in such a state of trust for whatever happens next.
Goodbye Arizona
