Monkey Money
Street Art by Mau Mau
I am in a shame storm.
It's around money.
I am the daughter of a scrappy man who has a graduate degree in economics. I love him. He's wonderful.
He is the grandson, of farmers who lived through the depression. Great people.
In his world, having money meant saving it. Never spending it.
We lived on an affluent street. And spent no money. In his eyes, people who took out credit, or made payments on things, were stupid. Because; interest.
But those same people went on vacations, kept boats and horses, made memories, and had life changing experiences. They ate decadent food, and drank expensive wine.
Their kids went to summer camp, joined juicy extra-curricular activities, and had trampolines in their back yards.
As I look around my life, we don't take many vacations. I am frugal. We don't go out to eat often. And when we do, I do it economically.
Today, in the face of having something I really wanted, I. Could. Not. Move.
It would have meant stepping beyond my comfort zone budget wise. But not much. I probably could have just done it.
I thought my philosophy around money, was an intelligent philosophy.
As I explained myself, this choking sensation, tightened around my chest and neck. And afterwards, I burned.
What the hell is this?
This is stupid, what is blocking me from having this life changing juicy experience that I know I want? I’m frozen.
Do I fear the gaze of my father? Maybe
Do I not think I'm worth it? Probably
Just like food restrictions, something I've talked to clients about extensively, even as early as this morning, it seems that I am using some of the same mechanisms.
Do I not believe I am worthy to be nourished by our resources? Interesting question...
Am I wrapping myself in stories and restrictions so I can maintain a sense of safety and control? Likely
Am I doing all this to avoid facing the groundlessness of the unknown. Definitely
I have never looked at my patterns with money. I didn't know I had them. But my body is saying something different. And I’m learning to listen when my body is asking me to pay attention.
